The Most Important Attitude

What is passion? When many people hear the word passion, they associate it with sex. In this case, we are referring to its larger meaning. Passion is what life is all about. According to Devlin’s Dictionary of Synonyms and Antonyms, a person with passion is fervid, ardent, intense, burning, excited! The same source defines the opposite of passion as: impassive, phlegmatic, and apathetic. As you compare the two, ask yourself, “How do I want to be? Fervid, intense, burning, and excited, or impassive, phlegmatic, and apathetic?”

Take a moment right now to think of someone who is extraordinarily successful at something. This can be a celebrity, or someone you know personally. Where their success lies doesn’t matter. They can be a highly successful entertainer, athlete, parent, spouse, teacher, businessperson, doctor, or whatever you choose. Whoever that person is you can be certain that she/he is passionate about whatever it is in which they are so successful.

Without passion, life is gray and dull. With passion, challenges are overcome and extraordinary experiences are yours. Almost everyone has heard the saying that the main difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that successful people are willing to do, routinely, the things that unsuccessful people don’t want to do. Sometimes that quality is called persistence. One of the main ingredients in persistence is passion.

It has been said that passion has magical qualities. It transforms otherwise boring and difficult tasks into enjoyable activities. It is what fuels the energy required for the sustained efforts that lead to success in everything. Every time we get an idea that sufficiently inspires and excites us, we are provided with sufficient energy to get started on the idea and to carry it out to fruition. We experience that energy as the feeling of enthusiasm. If we don’t harness and use that energy, it goes right by us like a passing breeze. Everyone knows that when a wind is captured by sails, it can pull a ship wherever the captain wants it to go. However, the same wind will simply pass over a ship whose sails are down and move along to one that is ready to move.

I had two friends who demonstrated the magical qualities of passion just mentioned. Both were dedicated Marathon runners, one a school principal, the other a physician. They were very passionate about running, and managed to work it into their busy schedules without fail. For each of them, a five or six mile run was a light to moderate workout. I often encountered them in the middle of twelve mile training runs, when doing my own much shorter routine. Both completed many Marathons, including the famous Boston Marathon, which is restricted to only those who can qualify. Their passion for running provided the fuel that powered them through all of the hours and hours of training. It also powered them through the actual marathons.

Both of those friends have other passions that have fueled their other success. My friend, the dermatologist, for example, told me that his interest in medicine came from events witnessed as a young person growing up in Egypt. He saw the suffering experienced by people with unsightly, and sometimes hideous looking skin disorders. Out of his combination of compassion and intellectual curiosity, grew his passion to study medicine to learn how to help. Imagine the difficulties facing an eighteen-year-old immigrant who came to the United States with only a suitcase, a dream, a limited knowledge of English and a total of $300. He said he had to support himself and find a way to pay for college and then for medical school. What else other than passion could fuel the energy and persistence needed to make that dream a reality?

My other friend is passionate about the education of children. That passion propelled him to put forth the effort to become a teacher. He then became one of the most respected school principals in his district. In addition, he taught college level classes for other teachers. He now holds a position in administration for a school district in Southern California.


What Are Your Passions?


Identifying your passions will help you clarify your life purpose and create a fulfilling and satisfying life. The more successful you are at creating a satisfying life, the more successful you will be at successfully dealing with the constant changes we all experience in life. It is also helpful to remember that even when your life is going well, the only way it can get even better is through change.

Take a moment and ask yourself these questions:

“How much of my time is spent involved in things that spark my passion?”

“How much of my precious life is spent just putting in time, trudging through tasks that rob me of excitement and diminish my energy and sense of joy?”


Using Imagination


Your imagination can help you find your passion. If properly used, your imagination can create the spark, nurture it and help it burst into flame. Your imagination is also a way in which you can discard the limits and constraints you have imposed upon yourself.

Your self-imposed limitations may have no relationship to your actual physical circumstances but they can bind you securely. Self-imposed restrictions can cause you to overlook real opportunities. For example, when the people of Europe believed the world was flat, most were careful not to venture very far from shore. Although there were a few who defied conventional belief, some Vikings for example, evidently sailed to North America, (possibly while highly intoxicated or desperate to find new people to plunder, or both) the overwhelming behavior of the time was to live as if the world was flat.

At the same time, the Pacific Islanders, who didn’t get the memo about the flat earth, were busy sailing their outrigger canoes all over the Pacific Island and populating islands as far apart as New Zealand to Hawaii, After Columbus demonstrated convincingly that there was no edge to fall over, Europeans sailed all over the world.

Obviously the earth didn’t get any rounder after 1492. Prior to 1492, however, behavior and opportunity was just as restricted as if the earth actually had been flat. The limiting belief, although inaccurate, over rode the physical reality.

Perhaps you know someone who denies themselves a more fulfilling life simply because of their limited ideas and beliefs about who they are. As a result of their beliefs, they limit the amount of Love, ,Joy, Enthusiasm, Satisfaction and Success in their life.

Visit this site often.In my other postings we will discuss exercises that can help you harness your imagination, discover you life purpose and create more Love, Joy, Enthusiasm, Satisfaction and Success in your life.

Welcome To My Blog

Welcome to my blog. This site is dedicated to helping people create lives with more Love, Joy, Enthusiasm, Satisfaction and Success. I welcome your comments, questions and suggestions for future topics. Stay tuned and be sure to check back on a regular basis.

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with more than 25 years of professional experience in helping people. In addition to my private practice with families, individuals and couples I also have specialized training and experience dealing with emotional trauma (EMDR Levels 1 and 11), stress management, chronic pain management, chemical dependency, and clinical hypnosis. I have been an instructor for medical students preparing for national board exams and an instructor, at the college level in Human Services in Southern California, where I live. I have presented training programs for corporations, government agencies, schools, and professional associations since 1989. The main focus of those presentations has been on variations of two main topics: Successfully Coping With Change; and Men and Women - How to Understand Each Other. For much of my life, I have also been interested in spirituality and metaphysics. My study in this area, especially over the past eighteen years has added a greater perspective to my understanding of people and I continue to incorporate these insights in my work

Like most blogs, each writing is posted above the previous one. If you scroll down or search the archives you will discover that many of these posts are in sequence and build upon each other. Some are excerpts from forthcoming books. Many people tell me that they find very useful and practical information presented in a clear and accessible writing style. I hope you find all of them both interesting and helpful and I welcome your comments.

A Safe Alternative to Medication to Help People Who Can’t Sleep

I have created a CD that has helps people suffering from sleep problems, and anxiety and stress. It has been effective for more than 95% of the 1,000 people who tried it. And, unlike some medications, it will not harm your liver or other organs.

It might surprise you to hear I actually discovered how to help people with sleep problems, almost by accident. Here’s how it happened.

In addition to being a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I am also Board Certified in hypnotherapy and have additional training and experience in helping people with Chronic Pain problems, anxiety and panic. For many years I helped people who became injured on the job, and couldn’t return to their usual jobs. They usually suffered from chronic pain. Of course, they were often depressed and anxious. Depressed, because of their losses and anxious because they didn’t know how they could get their lives back together. It was these experiences that led me to study ways to help people with these huge problems. Most people wouldn’t think about this, but did you know that people with chronic pain have a hard time sleeping? When you think about it, it seems obvious, but unless you know someone in that situation, it might not cross your mind. Not getting enough regular sleep can create and increase feelings of being depressed and can also make you feel a lot of anxiety.

I’ve always had an interest in finding ways to help people help themselves without having to come in to see me in-person. As part of that, around the same time I began working with injured workers, I also taught self-hypnosis classes for the general public. As you may know, it’s is a great way for people to self-manage a great variety of problems, including anxiety, many types of depression, and pain. I discovered it also turned out to be really helpful for people in 12-step programs.

I wanted the training to be successful so I created an audio tape to help people practice on their own after the class was finished. That’s when I started to get feedback on how helpful the tape was for problems I hadn’t even thought about. My students would take this little tape home and give it to their spouse or kids to play around with. Then they would report back to me the most amazing things. Parents reported it helped their kids sleep better when they were on vacations. Someone’s wife, husband, or friend used it to help them get rest when they were suffering from back pain or even headaches. A busy attorney used it at lunch time to take a 20 minute break and told me he had even more energy in the afternoon. (That’s because 20 minutes of this can feel just about as refreshing and restorative to your body and mind as 90 minutes of sleep.) I had people with ADHD report they found it helped them focus better. When people in the early stages of drug and alcohol recovery were willing to use it regularly they told me it solved a major problem and helped them successfully maintain their program. They said that they were told they should meditate but no one could teach them how and they couldn’t quiet their mind long enough to try. That tape solved the problem and worked as even better for them than trying to meditate. It quieted their mind and let them relax, often for the first time ever.

It started to sound almost magical that this one little tape could help so many people with so many problems. It occurred to me that if it was a pill or potion, it would be marketed as a wonder drug.


There was one problem with the tape. It was just a home recording, and the sound quality was not very good. I decided to solve that by going into a professional recording studio and work with a professional sound engineer to create a quality CD. When a musician I know heard the new recordings, she got so excited about it she wanted to compose special music to enhance it. The result was that she composed a custom musical background for the guided visualizations on the CD that are absolutely perfect for each one. There are certain points where she added subtle chimes that create a wonderful effect. This product is an experience. You don’t get the full effect by simply listening to it in the background; it is most powerful when you let yourself take the ride into a state of deep, soothing relaxation.

When the CD was finally finished, I was excited to get it out to people and find out if it would get the same results as the little tape. Amazingly what I heard back was that it is even more powerful and effective. The thing I didn’t anticipate was how effective it is for people with sleep problems.

When I thought about it though, I shouldn’t have been surprised. What I had overlooked was the one thing that people with anxiety, chronic pain and substance abuse problems all have in common. They have trouble sleeping. Just like everyone else who has trouble sleeping, they can’t quiet their restless mind.

The Fight or Flight Response

Have you ever heard of the fight or flight response? That is something that happens in our brain and our body whenever we get worried or think about problems or something gets us aroused like pain or anxiety. It is part of our evolutionary history and actually helped early humans survive. It can also interfere with sleep.

This is what I mean. Imagine a few hundred thousand years ago, one of your ancestors knelt down by a river to get a drink. Just when she got down, a “log” floating near the shore turned out to be a crocodile and tried to attack her. To survive, she had to be able to react instantly by recognizing the threat and within a tiny fraction of a second, jump back at full speed and get away or fight it off. We know you are descended from someone who had that ability because the others were killed or eaten.

Here is how it works. As soon as your ancestor perceived a threat, her brain sent messages to the body to release hormones, such as adrenaline, that trigger a whole cascade of reactions. The heart races, the blood pressure increases to move blood away from your hands and feet (that’s why mood rings work, they detect cold fingers when you are stressed) and into the major muscle groups and the brain so you can effectively fight or flee. It evens moves blood away from your digestive system which interferes with other aspects of your health; but in a life or death situation, who cares? Eventually, the physical activities of fighting or fleeing turn off the system.

Here’s the catch. At the same time all of that “alarm” activity is going on; chemical signals are sent to switching stations in other parts of the brain to remember everything that happens in great detail. That’s so you will recognize the danger sooner next time.

Some months or years later, here is your ancestor once again walking through the forest, when out of the corner of her eye, she sees a real log. She might not take any conscious notice, but the automatic parts of the brain remember that “logs” can be crocodiles so the brain and body react bio-chemically exactly the same way they would if it was a crocodile.

These hormones were especially important in helping our ancient ancestors meet the challenges of more primitive times when human beings were hunters facing regular danger from wild beasts and predators. A life or death situation may trigger this response, but the brain may respond in a similar fashion to persistent lower levels of stress. Nowadays, we don’t see many crocodiles or bears and such, so emotional stresses have replaced physical ones. Pain can also trigger this response. As a result, we can’t usually take the physical actions necessary to dissipate the stimulation of these hormones. So these powerful substances tend to “attack” the body instead of enabling it to deal better with outside forces. If a stress response is chronic, the constant presence of stress hormones begins to wear down the body’s immunological system; whatever part of the body is weakest will show signs of dysfunction first. And of course, it causes problems with sleeping.

To treat medical problems caused by the body’s stress producing substances, a doctor may prescribe medication which partly blocks the effects of these hormones. But, as pointed out by Herbert Benson, MD, there is another way to achieve similar results: the Relaxation Response.

This CD, Profound Relaxation, acts to turn off the Fight or Flight response. It quiets your restless mind and without any of the side effects associated with drugs from your doctor.

The heart rate is reduced and the heart beats more effectively; blood pressure is reduced. Blood is shunted towards internal organs, especially those organs involved in digestion. Therefore, the Relaxation Response breaks the vicious cycle by blocking the action of the hormones of the sympathetic nervous system. This blockage prevents anxiety and other harmful effects. As a result, you can finally slow down enough internally to sleep.

Please send me your comments and suggestions for future topics by clicking on the comments section at the end of each posting. Or you can e-mail me: bruyoli@hotmail.com Also keep checking back to see how I have responded to your suggestion or question in future postings. I suggest you add this blog to your list of favorites. That way, it will be easy to find again.

HOW TO BUILD A BETTER WORKPLACE

Each of these postings can be read individually and will provide you with useful information. However many of them are related to each other, and all together, they generally fit together. Some will be understood better, and be more helpful to you, if you read them in order. Those postings can be accessed by going to the PREVIOUS POSTS, listed right under the ABOUT ME box on the right side of your screen, or by scrolling down to the other posts directly under this one.


Self Esteem Is The Key

When I talk about high self-esteem, I’m not referring to people who are narcissistic
and arrogant. Arrogance is the opposite of self-esteem. As someone once put it,
arrogance is simply ignorance matured. When arrogance gains confidence, it is time
to worry. As we will see, arrogance and bullying behavior often comes from people
who are so insecure, that any thought of acknowledging mistakes creates such
intense feelings of anxiety they just can’t stand it. Those people create problems. They are disruptive to harmony and smooth production.

People with high self-esteem have a realistic, underlying confidence about life and themselves that allows them to be open to useful feedback. They see constructive criticism as useful information that they may be straying off course, not as a threat.. They see people who offer helpful feedback (even criticism) as something to be grateful for, not as enemies to be attacked.

Another great advantage for people who value themselves and generally feel good about themselves is that, typically, they bring fewer problems to the workplace. They are nice to be around. Most of us are not at our best when we are feeling stress and pressure in our lives. When there are ongoing personal conflicts at home, we bring our emotions to work. Although I have heard employers insist that people keep their personal lives separate from work, I have never seen anyone manage to do this. I take myself wherever I go. If I am suffering emotionally, how would I realistically leave ‘it’ at home? If I use some of my mental and emotional energy to not think about ‘It’ then that energy is not available to use productively. I have noticed that when I am actively trying to ignore a thought or feeling that is urgently disturbing me, the effort requires that I not think very efficiently at all, otherwise, I immediately think of 'it'. ‘It’ is always lurking just out of my awareness, pushing and shoving to get to the front. Other people have told me they have similar experiences.

It is almost a truism to say people with higher self-esteem create more enjoyable lives. If you value yourself, then you accept that you deserve the good things in life. Although there can be different definitions of “the good things” in life, I think many people would include good physical health, loving, happy, supportive, satisfying, joyful, enthusing and inspiring relationships, an abundant income, inspiring work that springs from passion, is valued and makes a contribution and, an abundance of personal time to enjoy it all.

People who value themselves not only want a satisfying income, they want to feel good about the work they are doing. They are willing to put forth extra effort to feel good about the quality of the work. It is easy to expect that because they value their work they will put their best efforts into it. Workers who see themselves as deserving more and are open to learning more will be motivated to find ways to advance. This includes finding ways to be more productive and improve the quality of their work.

These people take better care of themselves physically and emotionally, so they require fewer sick days. In the main, they will have happier home lives because they are not as available for unhealthy, destructive relationships. It follows that many people find these qualities attractive and so they will also attract and be attracted to another person with healthy self-esteem.

If you value yourself and feel good about yourself, it is likely you will want to spend your time with other healthy, positive, contributing people. That doesn’t mean that you won’t have problems or that you will want to approach life in a Pollyanna-like state of denial. It does mean you will have fewer avoidable personal problems, plus you are more likely to have a strong external support system in addition to strong inner resources when a problem does arise.

On the other hand, people with low self-esteem, people who don’t really value themselves are more likely to have more of the types of problems that sneak their way into the workplace and cause disruption. Their endless series of crises, illnesses and
emergencies cause stress for others as well as themselves.

It makes sense that someone who doesn’t value themselves will be very concerned with hiding the “unacceptable truth” (their perception of themselves) from others to avoid rejection or blame. In the workplace, this preoccupation can take different forms. A subordinate may fear conflict or blame so much that he/she may hide legitimate problems from a supervisor in order to avoid the possibility of having their self-defined “defectiveness” discovered. Such people often report feeling like frauds who cannot understand why they even have their position. No matter how accomplished they are in their professional lives, their underlying feelings of being inadequate keep them in constant anxiety of eventually being “unmasked.” It’s easy to understand how this belief would increase the fear they associate with being responsible for a mistake. When a person’s self-esteem is too low, their behavior turns from being productive to being protective. Your everyday dealings in your business will give you a first hand demonstration of how pervasive this problem is in most work settings. Ask yourself how much effort is spent by the people where you work “covering their behinds.”

Supervisors and managers who suffer from low self-esteem can create climates of fear due to their own desire to avoid blame and being discovered as “inadequate and defective.” Often this will appear as unnecessary bullying behavior.

One of the questions I ask managers to look at is “how easy am I to do business with?” When someone brings a problem to my attention do I immediately get angry and look for someone to blame? Am I more concerned with the getting difficulty resolved or with “getting the monkey off of my back “by finding someone to blame? When a supervisor feels this way about her/himself each mistake is taken as a personal indictment of them and blame must quickly be assigned elsewhere because the pain of their internal self-condemnation is too painful. Eventually, the people around them learn to avoid giving out any information that could get them in trouble with the boss. You can see how this type of interaction between workers and supervisors can create a workplace in which much more energy is devoted to keeping up an appearance that everything is fine than is devoted to carrying out the mission.

A colleague of mine works in Human Resources for a large corporation. He also knows many other people in that field. He offered this explanation of why many companies have difficulty filling positions. According to him, in companies that have a fear-based climate, making a mistake can hurt your career, or even cost you your job.
Therefore, when a resume submitted, the first task is to look for reasons to reject it. If you reject an application because they aren’t qualified “it is not your fault that no one qualified applied for the job.” There is no risk of being blamed for a mistake if you avoid making a hiring decision. On the other hand, if you select someone who later turns out to be a problem, blame could be assigned to you. If there is even the slightest concern, making no decision is the safest course. Even though the company may be damaged more by the lack of production from an unfilled position, and a downturn in business could eventually result in a layoff for the non-decision maker, in a large company the decay can take a long time. Compared with the immediate consequences of being blamed for a mistake, the downside of not being responsible appears small.

When I heard this explanation, I thought of an incident reported to me when I was interning as a Family Therapist. My supervisor was married to an engineer who supervised a department in a large aerospace company. He desperately needed to fill a vacant position, and was told by Human Resources they did not have any qualified applicants. After many weeks, he became suspicious and submitted his own resume for the position, and was rejected.

If you are an employer or supervisor, it is worth considering this challenge. Ask yourself “How I can set up an environment where each person is actively participating in programs to increase her/his sense of personal value, and at the same time being mutually supportive of everyone else’s efforts to do the same.” What if you went to work each day knowing that 5, 10, or even 100 or more people were actively conspiring to do you good? Would that make a difference in your company?

We will discuss how to create this type of work place in a later post. Stay tuned and check back. I suggest you add this blog to your list of favorites. That way, it will be easy to find again.

Please send me your comments and suggestions for future topics by clicking on the comments section at the end of each posting. Or you can e-mail me: bruyoli@hotmail.com Also keep checking back to see how I have responded to your suggestion or question in future postings.

STRESS AFFECTS YOUR HEALTH

Each of these postings can be read individually and will provide you with useful information. However many of them are related to each other, and taken as a whole, they generally fit together. Some will be understood better, and be more helpful to you, if you read them in order. Those postings can be accessed by going to the PREVIOUS POSTS, listed right under the ABOUT ME box on the right side of your screen, or by scrolling down to the other posts directly under this one.

Most people are already aware of how stress affects our emotional wellbeing. In this posting, we will examine the physical effects of stress on our physical health.

Conditions strongly linked to psychological stress:

Angina, Headaches, Asthma, Hypertension, Autoimmune diseases, Immune suppression, Cancer, Irritable bowel syndrome, Cardiovascular disease, Menstrual irregularities, Common cold, Premenstrual tension syndrome, Chronic pain exacerbations, Rheumatoid arthritis, Diabetes ( adult onset, Type II) Ulcerative colitis, Depression, Ulcers

The Fight or Flight Response

Hans Selye, an endocrinologist and one of the world’s leading researchers into the effect of stress on the body, stated his theory in The Stress of Life. When the brain perceives stress, either consciously or unconsciously, the message is transmitted to the hypothalamus. This switching station carries signals in and out of the brain. The hypothalamus sends impulses to the pituitary gland, the master endocrine gland. The pituitary releases hormones which stimulate other glands, which in turn release other hormones, such as adrenaline. These hormones were especially important in helping our ancient ancestors meet the challenges of more primitive times when human beings were hunters facing regular danger from wild beasts and predators. A life or death situation may trigger this response, but the brain may respond in a similar fashion to persistent lower levels of stress.

In our own day, emotional stresses have replaced physical ones. As a result, we can’t usually take the physical actions necessary to dissipate the stimulation of these hormones. So these powerful substances tend to “attack” the body instead of enabling it to deal better with outside forces. If a stress response is chronic, the constant presence of stress hormones begins to wear down the body’s immunological system, whatever part of the body is weakest will show signs of dysfunction first.

The Fight or Flight Response is appropriate if you are confronted by a life-threatening situation. But often this response, or some of the characteristics of it, is triggered inappropriately by a situation that is stressful, but not life-threatening. You may be suffering from a chronic stress response worrying about something. Stress responses can be triggered by emotions, ideas, memories, and expectations and pain.To treat medical problems caused by the body’s stress producing substances, a doctor may prescribe medication which partly blocks the effects of these hormones. But there is another way to achieve similar results: the Relaxation Response. - Herbert Benson, MD

The Fight or Flight Response: Physical Responses

The heart rate and force of contraction of the heart increases to provide blood to areas necessary for response to the stressful situation


· As the heart rate increases, the blood pressure rises.

· Adrenaline and other hormones are released into the blood.

· Blood is shunted away from the skin and internal organs, except the heart and lungs, while at the same time the amount of blood supplying needed oxygen and glucose to the muscles and brain is increased.

· Blood flow is constricted to the extremities, and the hands and feet become cold. This protects you from bleeding to death quickly if the hands or feet are injured in fight or flight, and allows blood to be directed to the most important parts of the body.

· The rate of breathing increases to supply necessary oxygen to the heart, brain and exercising muscle.

· Sweat production increases to eliminate toxic compounds produced by the body to lower body temperature.

· Production of digestive secretions is severely reduced since digestive activity is not necessary for counteracting stress.

· Blood sugar levels are increased dramatically as the liver dumps stored glucose into the bloodstream.

This next bit of infornation came from a site for fitness@valunet, Walnut Creek CA who create software products for cyclists, runners and walkers.

Americans Manage Stress in Many Ways

For most of us, stress is a fact of life. We don't have the option to escape from it and so we have learned to manage stress as best we can. According to one study, the techniques Americans use to manage stress are:

o Watch Television 82%

o Read or Listen to Music 76%

o Talk to a Spouse, Parent or Friend 69%

o Play Sports or Go for a Walk 68%

o Go Shopping 36%

o Smoke 22%

o Drink Alcohol 18%

Most use combinations of these techniques to manage stress. Yet, despite using these stress management techniques, 75% to 90% of all visits to primary care physicians are stress related.

As As noted by the folks at valuenet, despite these common approaches to stress management, we are not doing a very good job, . In our next post, we will explore a safe, effective, drug-free solution to managing stress. You will discover that it is also very effective for people with insomnia or other sleep problems. It is called The Profound Relaxation Response.Please send me your comments and suggestions for future topics by clicking on the comments section at the end of each posting. You can also e-mail me at: bruyoli@hotmail.com Also keep checking back to see how I have responded to your suggestion or question in future postings.posted by Bruce R. Fredenburg, M.S., L.M.F.T. @ 11:59 AM 0 comments Saturday, July 08, 2006

BEST STRESS SOLUTION: PROFOUND RELAXATION

Each of these postings can be read individually and will provide you with useful information. However many of them are related to each other, and when read as a whole, they generally fit together. Some will be understood better, and be more helpful to you, if you read them in order. Those postings can be accessed by going to the PREVIOUS POSTS, listed right under the ABOUT ME box on the right side of your screen, or by scrolling down to the other posts directly under this one.

In the previous post, 'HOW STRESS AFFECTS OUR HEALTH', we examined the physical changes that occur when the 'Fight or Flight Response' is triggered. Now, as promised, you are going to learn about a safe, effective, drug-free solution to managing stress. You will discover that it is also very effective for people with insomnia or other sleep problems. It is called The Relaxation Response.

THE RELAXATION RESPONSE

The Relaxation Response is a bodily reaction brought on by relaxational and meditative techniques that anyone can learn. These techniques cause scientifically measurable changes to occur in the body. Metabolism and heart and respiration rates decrease; alpha wave output of the brain is intensified; and a general calming effect ensues.

HERE ARE SOME OF THE PHYSICAL CHANGES THAT OCCUR WHEN YOU LEARN TO ACTIVATE THIS RESPONSE


• The heart rate is reduced and the heart beats more effectively; blood pressure is reduced.

• Blood is shunted towards internal organs, especially those organs involved in digestion.

• The rate of breathing decreases as oxygen demand is reduced during periods of rest.

• Sweat production decreases – a person who is calm and relaxed does not experience nervous perspiration.

• Production of digestive secretions is increased, greatly improving digestion.

• Blood sugar levels are maintained in the normal physiological range.

Studies have shown that the Relaxation Response doesn’t decrease the amount of norepinephrine released by the nerves. But it does tend to change the response to the hormone so that the hormone has less of an effect

Therefore, the Relaxation Response breaks the vicious cycle by blocking the action of the hormones of the sympathetic nervous system. This blockage prevents anxiety and other harmful effects.

If you want to learn more about this and how you can learn these these techniques in an easy, effortless way, such as by using cds that aid in insomnia, or other recordings, contact me by leaving a comment or sending an e-mail.

Please send me your comments and suggestions for future topics by clicking on the comments section at the end of each posting. Or you can e-mail me: bruyoli@hotmail.com Also keep checking back to see how I have responded to your suggestion or question in future postings.

HOW THE TRANCE DEVELOPS PART 2

Each of these postings can be read individually and will provide you with useful information. However many of them are related to each other, and all together, they generally fit together. Some will be understood better, and be more helpful to you, if you read them in order. Therefore, before reading this post, I recommend that you first read THE TRANCE and HOW THE TRANCE DEVELOPS PART 1. Those postings can be accessed by going to the PREVIOUS POSTS, listed right under the ABOUT ME box on the right side of your screen, or by scrolling down to the other posts directly under this one.

Here is: How The Trance Develops Part 2

WHAT ARE FAMILY ROLES? WHAT WAS MY ROLE?

As we grow up, we learn to fulfill the various roles needed to make our particular family system work. The roles available to you as a small child living in the universe of your home depended on how healthy your family was. Here are some of the more typical roles needed in many family systems that were identified by researchers Black, Wegsheidel, etal.

THE FAMILY HERO: Some children get designated as the one who will carry the family banner to new heights. Everyone in the family knows that this person has been chosen as most likely to succeed. Most of the family’s resources will be invested in this child. For example, he or she may be the one encouraged to get more education, or be groomed to take over the family business. Often, although not always, it is the oldest. In some families, it is the oldest boy. In, or
daughter who is expected to be the family hero, either by her own merit, or by dutifully marrying well, or agreeing to continue the family business.

THE RESPONSIBLE ONE: This family member’s job is to always do the right thing and also be capable and willing to take care of holding the family together. This person is often identifiable as the one who writes and calls all the other family members to keep everyone connected. The Hero and the Responsible One may be the same person. It is easy to see how these two roles can overlap. It is common for family members to fill more than one role.

THE BEAUTIFUL LOSER: This person always looks good coming in second. They often appear to have all of the necessary talents for success, but somehow never quite get to be the big winner. In some families, they are also the Responsible One, but Family Hero has been given to another member. They are expected to suppress their own needs in service of other family members. These people may be labeled co-dependent. Other times they can be the person who just about has some success wrapped up, only to sabotage themselves, or fall victim to an unexpected but nonetheless avoidable pitfall. In sports, for example, they may skillfully get clear only to drop the ball in the end zone. In business, she may put together a clever and complicated deal that is so imaginative people are amazed. Then, at the last minute she fails to complete the final, simple procedures any 8th grader could do and the deal unravels. Deep inside she has learned that she does not deserve to be a big winner. She may do all right, but, again to use the football metaphor, she spends her life settling for field goals instead of touchdowns.

THE PLACATOR: This family member is the peacemaker, even if making peace means always being the person who gives in. This person is an important factor in keeping warring families from breaking apart. This person has learned to avoid most conflicts and is expected to referee conflicts between those family members who are not required to keep their anger in check on their own.

THE ADAPTER: Also known as the “Lost Child”, in families with severe problems, this is often a younger child. This is because in, for example, a family impacted by alcohol or other trauma, parental skills deteriorate over time. In addition, often the family’s economic conditions may worsen. This child’s solution is to adapt to almost anything that comes up. The unspoken agreement is “I won’t expect much from you and in return you won’t expect much from me.” You can see how this can easily lead to low achievement and behavior other people label as irresponsible.

THE SCAPEGOAT: This person is seen as the source of all the family’s problems. Everyone knows that if it wasn’t for this person’s addictions, or bad judgment, or other irresponsible behavior, everyone else in the family would be much better off. He often causes financial problems for himself and then it is expected that the Family Hero, or the Responsible One will clean up the mess. As you might imagine, this person feels valueless and sees himself as a loser. The Adapter can easily grow up to fill this role.

THE SURVIVOR: Children who survive growing up in an environment filled with trauma and uncertainty develop certain skills. They may have the skill of the adapter who can shut down awareness of their environment, and can get by or even somewhat survive on very little. Like most people, they are most comfortable in familiar surroundings. Their comfort zone is trauma and drama and last minute heroics, or a prolonged stoicism that allows them to endure over time. You can see how they might, on a subconscious level, create situations in which they have to survive something. Someone I know once described it this way: “My best skill was surviving crud so I had to keep creating crud so I could show off my best skills.”

These are some of the more common family roles, although not all of them. Also, keep in mind this is not an exact model because people are much more complicated than this. Like all models, however, if you understand it the way you understand a map, although the map is not the territory, it does help you to get around.

As stated earlier, it seems to me that all of these roles are directly governed by the person’s underlying beliefs about themselves, and about life. I also stated that many of my beliefs about me and my life came about by my individual interpretations of the events that happened to me when I was very young. I believe that this is also true for you as well. It is also complicated by individual differences in temperament. The influence of temperament may be examined in a later posting.

As you read these words, keep this important thought in mind. A major key to this whole process is a willingness to take action. Without that vital step, these words will remain only a potential difference in your life. It will be like trying to start a fire with paper, wood and matches, but without ever striking the match. Sitting in a perfectly tuned car with a full tank of gas will not get you anywhere until you take the action of turning the ignition key. Similarly, when you mix action together with the information you find here, you will discover or rediscover a power within you that will enable you to successfully meet every challenge.

Please send me your comments and suggestions for future topics by clicking on the comments section at the end of each posting. Also keep checking back to see how I have responded to your suggestion or question in future postings.

HOW THE TRANCE DEVELOPS PART 1

In these postings, I have attempted to provide information that will help you create a more wonderful life. In addition to absorbing information from me, it is my hope that you will make important discoveries for yourself about your own life and your own personal keys to a life full of more Love, Joy, Enthusiasm, Satisfaction and Success.

As you read these words, keep this important thought in mind. A major key to this whole process is a willingness to take action. Without that vital step, these words will remain only a potential difference in your life. It will be like trying to start a fire with paper, wood and matches, but without ever striking the match. Sitting in a perfectly tuned car with a full tank of gas will not get you anywhere until you take the action of turning the ignition key. Similarly, when you mix action together with the information you find here, you will discover or rediscover a power within you that will enable you to successfully meet every challenge.

Each of these postings can be read individually and will provide you with useful information. However many of them are related to each other, and all together, they generally fit together. Some will be understood better, and be more helpful to you if you read them in order. Therefore, before reading this post, I recommend that you first read THE TRANCE.

AS WE LOOK AT HOW THE TRANCE DEVELOPS

As we look at how the trance develops, we will see how we create limitations for ourselves. We support self-sabotaging behaviors with our depression affirmations. As part of our understanding of how this all works, we will examine social emotional development early childhood through adulthood. There is convincing evidence that most of ideas about ourselves; whether or not people like us, how we compare to other people, how successful we expect to be, what types of relationships we will have, are all decided and accepted during normal childhood development by age 5 and probably even younger.

HOW DID I BECOME THE WAY I AM?

To understand our own lives, I think is valuable to spend some time asking “How did I become the way I am?” Not for the purpose of wallowing in it and certainly not simply to look back at all of the painful things we may have experienced so we can label ourselves and feel stuck forever. The reason for looking back is to find clues that reveal the underlying beliefs and premises under which I run my life. In other words, “How did I get to be this way?” If there are circumstances in my life that I want to improve, or change all together, I need to know these things. As Earnest Holmes wrote, “We do not say peace when there is no peace, but rather we try to discover what is wrong and why we do not have peace.” The clues we find will also lead us to ideas on how to change our situation.


It makes sense to me, based on my education, my personal life experiences, and more than twenty five years of helping people lead more satisfying lives, that how we act is based on our beliefs about life, ourselves, and other people. We believe a certain idea is true, and then we act in a way that makes the most sense to us based on our beliefs about “what’s going on.” Our beliefs can be conscious but more often they are unexamined, unconscious assumptions.

Therefore, when I observe someone acting in a way that concerns me, I believe a good way to make sense out of someone’s behavior is to ask this question: “What would someone have to believe about themselves, other people, and life in general so that it would make sense to behave in this particular way in this particular situation?” Also, what type of life experiences might someone have so that developing those beliefs would make sense? This could be called “the Colombo approach” after the famous detective character played by Peter Falk.
After we can understand the underlying beliefs that drive our behaviors, we can generate the desired change in behavior by evaluating and changing our underlying constellation of beliefs.

WHERE DID THESE BELIEFS COME FROM?

To answer these questions, I think it is valuable to ask two more questions:

1. “Why am I the way I am?”

and perhaps more importantly,

2. “How can I change?”

As we seek to answer these questions, we discover that a great deal of our personality and basic outlook on life is formed by the time we are 5 or 6 years old. In fact, if you observe children as they grow, it seems that much of our basic personality is evident by the time we are 4. We are quite naturally influenced and programmed by the combination of other people’s ideas of how we should be, as shown by their words and behaviors towards us, and how we interpret and react to those words and behaviors. At that early age, we haven’t been on this planet very long, and we have only our very limited perspective to make all of these important decisions about life.

IF I REALLY MADE THESE DECISIONS WHY DON’T REMEMBER DOING THAT?

When I first suggest to people that they made so many important decisions so young, often I hear, “I’m not sure I believe that. I don’t remember doing that.”
If you are having a hard time accepting this, let me ask if you remember learning to stand up and walk? How well do you remember learning to talk? In my case, it seems to me that I have always understood English, and I can’t remember a time I didn’t know how to walk. And I bet the same is true for you.

LIVING IN THE LAND OF THE GIANTS

Let’s examine this further. When we are little, we live in the land of the giants. To get a sense of this, imagine how it would be today if you were surrounded by people who were 10-12 feet tall and weighed 1,000 pounds. You would pay close attention to everything these giants did. That’s how it was for you as a small child.

When you first tried to stand up, the ‘giants’ got very excited. Their big giant heads got big giant smiles. They made encouraging sounds and gestures. Then you fell down. You were probably shocked and cried for a moment. Then you probably got back up and tried again. As it took approximately one to two years for you to achieve moderate skill as a toddler, you may have fallen five to ten times per day. Each fall was accompanied by drama involving the ‘giant’s’ reaction to your falling. Over those one to two years, you experienced perhaps 1,725 – 3,450 falls (365 days x 5 falls = 1,725; 365 days x 10 falls = 3,450). Each event surrounded by drama.

Yet, most of us admit we have no clear memory about any of this. Similarly, there were thousands of separate events surrounded by excitement involving the ‘giants’ during the period you learned how to talk.

In addition, you had not yet learned the habit of calling yourself negative names (loser, stupid, etc.) whenever you could not master getting what you wanted after only one or two unsuccessful attempts before giving up. At that time in your life, you persisted as long as it took for you to achieve your goal. It is obvious to me that we come into this life ‘hardwired’ to learn and succeed.

Later, as we become more socialized, we learn to associate emotional risk with our attempts to learn new skills, and we often give up and abandon our goals when we don’t succeed quickly. You see, after a while, we begin to define ourselves as ‘this type of person’ or ‘that type of person’ and we forget these were just arbitrary decisions we made before we understood much about life.

When you think about this, isn’t it plausible that there were a lot of decisions we made that we don’t remember, about who we are and what life is all about?

OUR FIRST TEACHERS

Initially, the first people who influenced us were our caregivers. Those were probably our parents, grandparents, older siblings, or for some, institutional workers or foster parents. Soon afterwards, there was the influence of whatever little peer group we were exposed to. Then there was the influence of television, stories that were read to us, movies and other cultural influences, plus our personal interpretation of all these. I’m not saying that our personalities are cast in cement, only that most of it is in place by these early years, and then the rest develops up through our adolescence.

Most people don’t easily become consciously aware of this, so we think, “We are just this way.” How many times have you heard someone say, “That’s just the way I am” as if it just magically happened all at once one day? Without an acknowledgement of how our personalities and beliefs developed in our early years, we can become stuck with whatever ideas about life we had at that age. In a very real sense, then, a small child may be running your life.

ALL THOSE SEPARATE HOMES

I was struck by this idea in a dramatic way one day when I was flying into Los Angeles International Airport. If you have ever flown over Los Angeles, you know how immense it looks. The houses, streets and freeways cover an enormous area. The houses seem to go on and on as you descend for a landing. It is quite a sight.

On this particular day when I was flying home from a vacation in Mexico with my wife, I looked down and was struck by the realization that under the roofs and inside the four walls of what looked liked millions of individual homes something important was going on. Wherever there were small children, whatever was going on inside that house, was, for them, the whole universe.

If you were raised in a family that resembled families like those on old television shows like “Leave it to Beaver”, “The Brady Bunch”, or “The Bill Cosby Show”, you had some pleasant, successful role models. For example, on those shows, if the child did something the parents didn’t like, Dad or Mom would take them into the family library and have a nice little talk. Mom or Dad would usually have a story about their own childhood that made a nice moral point. The kid would learn their lesson and everyone was happy. Those TV moms always had plenty of time to keep a sparkling home (sometimes with the help of a live-n maid/cook/substitute parent) shop with their friends, do charity work, serve freshly baked cookies to their kids and their friends, while dispensing wisdom. The dads had great jobs which evidently paid them well and they didn’t seem to have to work much. A child growing up in this house will absorb much different ideas about how life works than one who grows up in a home with alcohol fueled violence or poverty induced chaos.

As I look back on my own life, I don’t remember my father acting like those TV dads. Although he did take interest in us, and played sports with us, he was more likely to yell when he was angry rather than tell me a story with a convenient message to help me find my moral compass. I don’t remember my mother being like those TV moms. My mother had a lifelong eating disorder and always had a job outside the home. She suffered a herniated disk in a car accident and spent many years under the influence of prescription diet pills and pain medications. In our house, things sometimes became loud. Unlike our television counterparts, our problems were not limited to who misplaced somebody’s favorite sweater.

Both of my parents were raised by families with histories of untreated alcoholism. My mother’s childhood was filled with episodes of chaos, embarrassments, and some violence. My father learned to not value himself. Although they both made efforts not to recreate their parents’ lives, and both resisted their tendencies towards alcohol abuse while us kids were growing up, their ideas about relationships and life reflected the impressions they had about life based on their childhoods. The episodes of violence were infrequent, but my parents had constant arguments consisting of high volume yelling at each other and mutual shaming and blaming.

In my work as a family therapist, I have learned my experiences were not unusual. We are fortunate enough to be living in an era where some of the socially acceptable “masks” we were taught to wear have been coming off. More and more, we are agreeing to admit that MANY OF US GREW UP IN HOMES that resembled “Roseanne” more than the “Huxtables” or the “Waltons.”

This is not an exercise in blaming our parents or anyone else. What if you had caring, loving parents? I believe I did. Most parents don’t set out to deliberately hurt their children. Many parents were just inadequately rained for the job at hand. Even if your parents were very good, there may still have been problems created by your misinterpretations of events due to your lack of knowledge and experience. After all, at two years old, you haven’t had a lot of exposure to the world.

In the next posting, HOW THE TRANCE DEVELOPS PART 2, we will take a look at how families are a system, and that like other organizations, families require members to fulfill various roles in order to continue functioning. We will talk about some of the typical roles that develop in families and how they fit in with the family trance.

Please send me your comments and suggestions for future topics by clicking on the comments section at the end of each posting. Also keep checking back to see how I have responded to your suggestion or question in future postings.