HOW THE TRANCE DEVELOPS PART 2

Each of these postings can be read individually and will provide you with useful information. However many of them are related to each other, and all together, they generally fit together. Some will be understood better, and be more helpful to you, if you read them in order. Therefore, before reading this post, I recommend that you first read THE TRANCE and HOW THE TRANCE DEVELOPS PART 1. Those postings can be accessed by going to the PREVIOUS POSTS, listed right under the ABOUT ME box on the right side of your screen, or by scrolling down to the other posts directly under this one.

Here is: How The Trance Develops Part 2

WHAT ARE FAMILY ROLES? WHAT WAS MY ROLE?

As we grow up, we learn to fulfill the various roles needed to make our particular family system work. The roles available to you as a small child living in the universe of your home depended on how healthy your family was. Here are some of the more typical roles needed in many family systems that were identified by researchers Black, Wegsheidel, etal.

THE FAMILY HERO: Some children get designated as the one who will carry the family banner to new heights. Everyone in the family knows that this person has been chosen as most likely to succeed. Most of the family’s resources will be invested in this child. For example, he or she may be the one encouraged to get more education, or be groomed to take over the family business. Often, although not always, it is the oldest. In some families, it is the oldest boy. In, or
daughter who is expected to be the family hero, either by her own merit, or by dutifully marrying well, or agreeing to continue the family business.

THE RESPONSIBLE ONE: This family member’s job is to always do the right thing and also be capable and willing to take care of holding the family together. This person is often identifiable as the one who writes and calls all the other family members to keep everyone connected. The Hero and the Responsible One may be the same person. It is easy to see how these two roles can overlap. It is common for family members to fill more than one role.

THE BEAUTIFUL LOSER: This person always looks good coming in second. They often appear to have all of the necessary talents for success, but somehow never quite get to be the big winner. In some families, they are also the Responsible One, but Family Hero has been given to another member. They are expected to suppress their own needs in service of other family members. These people may be labeled co-dependent. Other times they can be the person who just about has some success wrapped up, only to sabotage themselves, or fall victim to an unexpected but nonetheless avoidable pitfall. In sports, for example, they may skillfully get clear only to drop the ball in the end zone. In business, she may put together a clever and complicated deal that is so imaginative people are amazed. Then, at the last minute she fails to complete the final, simple procedures any 8th grader could do and the deal unravels. Deep inside she has learned that she does not deserve to be a big winner. She may do all right, but, again to use the football metaphor, she spends her life settling for field goals instead of touchdowns.

THE PLACATOR: This family member is the peacemaker, even if making peace means always being the person who gives in. This person is an important factor in keeping warring families from breaking apart. This person has learned to avoid most conflicts and is expected to referee conflicts between those family members who are not required to keep their anger in check on their own.

THE ADAPTER: Also known as the “Lost Child”, in families with severe problems, this is often a younger child. This is because in, for example, a family impacted by alcohol or other trauma, parental skills deteriorate over time. In addition, often the family’s economic conditions may worsen. This child’s solution is to adapt to almost anything that comes up. The unspoken agreement is “I won’t expect much from you and in return you won’t expect much from me.” You can see how this can easily lead to low achievement and behavior other people label as irresponsible.

THE SCAPEGOAT: This person is seen as the source of all the family’s problems. Everyone knows that if it wasn’t for this person’s addictions, or bad judgment, or other irresponsible behavior, everyone else in the family would be much better off. He often causes financial problems for himself and then it is expected that the Family Hero, or the Responsible One will clean up the mess. As you might imagine, this person feels valueless and sees himself as a loser. The Adapter can easily grow up to fill this role.

THE SURVIVOR: Children who survive growing up in an environment filled with trauma and uncertainty develop certain skills. They may have the skill of the adapter who can shut down awareness of their environment, and can get by or even somewhat survive on very little. Like most people, they are most comfortable in familiar surroundings. Their comfort zone is trauma and drama and last minute heroics, or a prolonged stoicism that allows them to endure over time. You can see how they might, on a subconscious level, create situations in which they have to survive something. Someone I know once described it this way: “My best skill was surviving crud so I had to keep creating crud so I could show off my best skills.”

These are some of the more common family roles, although not all of them. Also, keep in mind this is not an exact model because people are much more complicated than this. Like all models, however, if you understand it the way you understand a map, although the map is not the territory, it does help you to get around.

As stated earlier, it seems to me that all of these roles are directly governed by the person’s underlying beliefs about themselves, and about life. I also stated that many of my beliefs about me and my life came about by my individual interpretations of the events that happened to me when I was very young. I believe that this is also true for you as well. It is also complicated by individual differences in temperament. The influence of temperament may be examined in a later posting.

As you read these words, keep this important thought in mind. A major key to this whole process is a willingness to take action. Without that vital step, these words will remain only a potential difference in your life. It will be like trying to start a fire with paper, wood and matches, but without ever striking the match. Sitting in a perfectly tuned car with a full tank of gas will not get you anywhere until you take the action of turning the ignition key. Similarly, when you mix action together with the information you find here, you will discover or rediscover a power within you that will enable you to successfully meet every challenge.

Please send me your comments and suggestions for future topics by clicking on the comments section at the end of each posting. Also keep checking back to see how I have responded to your suggestion or question in future postings.